Forrest Gump once said about Vietnam, “…and there was always something to do…”
I’m learning that it helps in recovery to also be a Gump and look at just the moment you are in without too much thought for how “unfair” or “difficult” what you are facing truly is. It could be quite possibly too overwhelming to actually jump in and do anything. I know you know how hard it is to get past the barriers and excuses we build up for ourselves. They stop us so often from just getting done what needs to get done because we are trying to weigh the justice of the situation or look at them as insurmountable. If we give ourselves the luxury of thinking that way, we cut ourselves out of the good that may come if we just do what we need to. You know that’s not what you think about though… you are focused on what you may lose, or the fairness of it all. Or maybe it’s the fear of pain and loss?
Being in a place where there’s nothing left to lose is the real advantage. (I know I could technically lose much more, but don’t think so globally for a moment) Recognizing that you’re at the bottom and there is only up and out of the pit gives you perspective. Perspective maybe, but hope… well that comes from a different place. And a good dose of hope goes a long way, but even hope has to be something we are reminded of. Another shot of hope to keep us going. Where does your hope come from?
This week was a big challenge for me. I had been offered help to get some of my business activities done. My uncle came alongside me and took the bulk of the physical work on while I was the boss hog brain trust. I knew the details, addresses and locations of things in the yards. I can walk around and do stairs and explain what needs to get done. But the lifting and the grasping and the sustained physical endurance is no longer there. I know many of you want me to say “not yet, anyway.” to feel comfortable that I haven’t lost hope. So I’ll say it, the physical endurance is returning but it’s not there yet. I got done some annual work that my business usually provides my customers and some of those customers were happy to see me and encouraged me to keep going. Those encouraging words are a bit like sugar… they give a short burst of feel good energy to carry on, but they wear off quite quickly when you go home at the end of the day to lick the wounds of a physically taxing day that you’re not sure how it will affect you. I can’t remember ever having to sleep all Saturday because of 3 measly days of “work”! But that’s what happened (well, I was up for a while).
I have these big questions of whether or not I can just be Forrest-like. Just do what needs to get done without trying to make myself excuses, or the “victim”. It’s no secret that I wouldn’t be here if I could choose, whether or not I’m deserving of this because of bad choices I made in the past or not. But since I’m here, and I have this pit to get out of, I tap into help that’s offered (thank you so much, all), and hope that comes from beyond me. Psalm 121.
It was great to be able to see what it would be like to be out in the “field” and doing what I could. Realities had time to hit home and generate reflections of “what do I do now?” and they will benefit from that reality. I do have to switch things up. I do have to be realistic and say something different is what I can handle. And even if I make full recovery (which is what I’ve been told is possible, and I’m working towards), it’s so far away in this world that waits for no one. I could keep pace before, but I can see that I am losing ground and the pack is separating.
I appreciate the suggestions and possibilities that came up last time I threw it out there, and although some had been thought of and considered already, and those that were new were looked into, nothing has come up yet that fits. Keep them coming. I’m open.
At least, for now, there is always something to do. Thanks everyone.