27 The Feels

This is dangerous. I almost dread the possible outcome of this post. But I still feel compelled to do it.

This week was a heavy week. All of the ancillary damage of this stroke started to become evident. Review of timelines and resources, and healing trajectory, and some things I’d rather not have to deal with at all waiting in the wings. I’d rather not talk about them at all either. But bottling it up is a mess in the making.

Frustration, anger, fear, that pit of the stomach feeling of having been knocked down again just as we had started to put things back together, all resulted in sober and quiet conversations that just about left both Sharon and I with heads in hands, trying to grapple with the impossible unknown. It physically injured me, but we are in this together and we still both take the hit.

It was a strange phenomenon too, that every time I even attempted to bring up fear or frustration or anything negative, it got snuffed out by hasty reminders of how much positive I/we have even in this tragedy. It was almost like it was a zero tolerance policy to be looking at or discussing the negative. It’s like the old joke asking why Smokie the bear has no kids… because every time his wife gets hot for him he beats her out with a shovel. I’m sure they didn’t mean to deny that this could be causing anger or frustrating us or super scary, but it’s hard not to feel that way if no one wants to let that kind of talk come out of my mouth.

Full disclosure… we are angry, and frustrated, and struggling with this, and we’re scared. We have learned to roll with punches. We know how to get back up. We definitely see the positive in this really dark hour, but please forgive us and make maybe just a little room for either Sharon and I to vent. WE AREN’T LOOKING FOR ANYONE TO COME FORWARD AND SAY THAT THEY ARE AVAILABLE EITHER. We just maybe need you to be yourselves and be friends and just be there if either of us start to vent. That’s all. Just continue to be there and understand where we are. We promise to do our best to look for the positive.

Enough of the “we” stuff. Me for a minute. I’ve looked at my prospects of doing what I’ve done in the past to make income through the winter. It’s not going to happen. By the time I recover from this well into next year in order to do the same stuff I’ve been doing, it’s too late. So I have to look for any and all opportunities and make this life change a career change as well. I’m hoping that any of you and all of you who may know of something or hear of something…. let me know please. Also know that this is not an invitation to “build a business from my home”. I won’t even entertain those “opportunities”. I would look at starting work as soon as possible without having to build my own income. I have many different skills. There has to be something. I’m hoping to find something soon.

Thank you for letting me vent and share. Love to all of you for all your support.

Author: dharsch

Seeking pilgrm, Husband to a most true companion, father to 5, and user of opportunities.

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